


(k)new you

by whippedt_cream



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Character Study, Cheating, Crime Scenes, Emotionally constipated characters, Homophobia, M/M, Murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-09 02:30:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16441304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whippedt_cream/pseuds/whippedt_cream
Summary: Ziyi and Xukun have a complicated relationship. When detectives Lin and Fan show up with bad news they finally have to face their problems.





	(k)new you

**Author's Note:**

> first of all, this is very different from what i've written in the past. i wanted to try writing something serious, something less happy than my usual fics.  
> if you feel uncomfortable reading anything that includes cheating, unhealthy relationships, murder (not graphic), homophobia and descriptions of a murder scene this probably isn't for you. remember to take care of yourselves!  
> also, the title is heavily inspired by zolita's song "new you". the song fits this whole cheating situation pretty well, i think.  
> anyway, if you do read this i'd appreciate some feedback in the comments :)

Ziyi was staring holes into the dark. The bedroom was pitchblack and so quiet he could hear his own heartbeat clearly. With a sigh, he rolled onto the side and looked at his phone. 01:24 AM. 

This has been happening a lot recently. He was unable to sleep, waiting for Xukun to come home. He had first noticed it about three months ago, awoken by Xukun cursing in pain as he had walked into something while he had been sneaking out, but he wasn't sure when exactly his boyfriend had started cheating on him.

He wasn't even sure why he had started cheating on him.

They had been so happy when they moved in together, into a house they had both worked hard for. Now, this home felt emptier and lonelier than ever before. 

Where they had been chatting about random things, exchanging smiles over breakfast and dinner, there was only awkward silence left, sometimes filled with forced small talk and fake smiles. Memories of them kissing each other, holding each other close, sharing their feelings and telling each other words of love were in the past, just like the memories of the undeniable attraction between them, showing how much love they felt for each other in their shared bed, now one side left cold and untouched, on their huge couch, which Xukun had insisted on buying because he'd always wanted one just like that, on the kitchen counter or even on the floor, literally anywhere, when the lust just took them over right there and then. 

Ziyi guessed his thought process seemed more like he was thinking about an ex lover, not his current boyfriend. He just couldn't bring himself to confront Xukun, even though he was sure the younger knew that he had caught on. Even though he was betraying him like that, Ziyi couldn't help but love the other from all his heart, longing to feel the same kind of love again in return, staying hopeful despite everything that has happened. 

His friends told him it was foolish of him to stay with someone who spent most of his nights cheating on him, but he didn't listen to them, even though he knew they were right. Unfortunately, he couldn't just turn his feelings for Xukun off, he couldn't forget about all the beautiful moments they had shared together, couldn't forget Xukun's happy face, huge smile directed at Ziyi, eyes filled with nothing but adoration and love, no matter how much he wanted to. The problem was that maybe he didn't want to, even if he could.

Maybe he was punishing himself by staying with this man. What for, he also couldn't tell. Perhaps he thought that it was somehow his fault that he wasn't enough anymore. It was possible that he had done Xukun wrong in some way, wasn't it?

His thoughts always went in that direction, but he could never come up with an explanation. Ziyi and Xukun used to just openly speak about any problems, wishes and their opinions. 

Ziyi sighed again. Then, he heard the front door being unlocked. This shouldn't make him as nervous as it does. Without Xukun at home he felt uncomfortable, but when he did come home he also felt uncomfortable because of the awkwardness between them. 

As expected, Xukun went straight to the bathroom, taking a shower, washing the smell of another man away, like he always did. A short while later, he came to the bedroom, smelling fresh again, ready to go to bed.

Ziyi pretended to be asleep.

 

Yanjun sighed as he poured himself a cup of coffee, not even bothering to put milk or sugar in it because he knew that drinking his coffee like that wouldn't wake him up. Carefully, he made his way over to his desk at the precinct, succeeding in not spilling any of his life elixir. 

The sight of the amount of paperwork on his desk almost made him sigh again but instead he decided to, quite literally, drown his frustration in coffee, gulping the bitter liquid down in a manner that could just be described as aggressive. 

"Downing this shit like it's a shot won't make it taste better", a familiar voice called. Yanjun set his now almost empty cup down, steamed up glasses clearing up slowly. 

Chengcheng sat down on the desk opposite of him, looking more collected than usually, but maybe that was just because of his choice of clothing on that specific day. 

"What are you wearing that tie for", Yanjun asked, completely ignoring the previous statement. Chengcheng didn't even glance at him, taking a folder from his desk and opening it, starting to work, or at least pretending to. His behaviour made Yanjun grin knowingly. "Is it because you want to impress the intern you find cute?" 

"I don't know what you're talking about", Chengcheng said with a pointed look, which, in all honesty, was just a constipated facial expression. 

Yanjun pretended to think for a moment. "Hm, what was his name again? Something like Jason? Wait, no, that's not it. Oh, I got it! Jared!"

Releasing a heavy sigh, Chengcheng said, "Yanjun, you know damn well his name is Justin. Can you stop annoying me now?"

"You find me annoying? That's so rude, I'm literally your best friend", Yanjun pouted and wiped away an imaginary tear. 

Chengcheng rolled his eyes. "You're a drama queen", he stated matter-of-factly, before he pulled a sandwich, presumably his breakfast, out of his bag and bit into it heartily. 

Yanjun wrinkled his nose in disgust as he watched the other man basically vore his food. "I take everything back, you can impossibly be my best friend."

In return, he received some incoherent noises that sounded like Chengcheng strongly objecting to his statement. Right in that moment, Justin came over to them, asking if he can help them with something, eager to get some work to do as always. Chengcheng kind of choked on his sandwich, not having expected the other to be at the precinct this early. Unfortunately, he spit out some of his food, pieces of tomato and cheese landing on his files, face turning just as red as the tomato that is now staining his paper work. 

For a second, Justin looked at him, visibly disturbed by the whole scene, and Yanjun decided to distract him. "Yes, you can help me finish up these reports." Yanjun gave Justin some files, telling him to ask him if he had any questions or needed help. Nodding, the boy disappeared, going to his desk, still with a slightly weirded out expression on his face.

Once he was gone, Yanjun just shook his head, muttering something like "unbelievable" under his breath as he started working, trying to ignore his idiot of a best friend who was now fake crying - or actually crying, Yanjun didn't know - into his stained file. 

This was going to be a long day.

 

A couple days later, Xukun was walking home in the middle of the night yet again. He used to feel uneasy whenever he had to walk alone in the dark, but now that he was used to it he kind of found it peaceful, it helped him relax. 

The leaves were rustling in the slight wind and Xukun inhaled the crisp air deeply. The walk from Zhengting's house to his wasn't that long, barely ten minutes, that's why he never accepted offers of being driven home and refused taking his own car. In his opinion, that would just be a waste of gas. 

Soon, he was standing in front of his and Ziyi's house. Ziyi, he thought as he was unlocking the front door, stepping inside and locking the door again, Ziyi didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve a selfish boyfriend and Xukun knew it, knew that he was selfish and so incredibly greedy and that he was the reason Ziyi was hurting. Because he knew that Ziyi knew about this, without any details of course, but Xukun knew that he had caught on.

Ziyi had never done him wrong, had always listened to him, to his thoughts and opinions, to his problems, his stories from the past and in turn Xukun had listened as well, enjoying listening to what his lover had to say, enjoying the sound of his soft voice. Everything about Ziyi was soft, the way he talked to Xukun, the way he looked at him, the way he touched him, like he's the most precious thing. Ziyi had always loved him unconditionally, he was sure that even now that Xukun is betraying his trust he still loves him.

Xukun doesn't even know why this had started in the first place. He loved Ziyi, he truly did, but he was greedy and stupid so he had made a mistake, continued making the same mistake. He feels bad about his actions, feels his bad conscience gnawing away at him. His conscience is the reason why he can't even bring himself to look into Ziyi's eyes, his beautiful, soft eyes that Xukun loved so much, the reason why he can't speak to his boyfriend without feeling uncomfortable because he felt like he didn't have the right to talk to someone like Ziyi anymore, had thrown this right away just like the trust between them.

Sighing, he undressed quickly, stepping into the shower and let the hot water fall onto his sore body. Xukun had never found showering at Zhengting's place appealing, preferring the privacy of his own home as he washed away the evidence of his previous activities. As he spread some soap on his body, he noticed a couple marks, some of them being love bites, some of them forming from being gripped too roughly. 

After he had washed away the feeling of hands and lips wandering his body he got dressed in some comfortable clothes, quietly walking towards the bedroom, trying not to wake up his sleeping boyfriend. He wrapped himself up in his blanket, trying to feel warm, ignoring the fact that he didn't physically feel cold, that this kind of cold came from feeling lonely. Xukun tried not to think about it because he knew that this sort of loneliness was something that was his own fault and he didn't have time to lie awake in the dark, thinking about his mistakes any longer, considering that he had to get up early and go to work. 

"Xukun?" Ziyi asked sleepily. He must have woken up while Xukun had been rustling around under the blanket, trying to find a comfortable position. Usually, Ziyi didn't wake up and Xukun felt bad that he woke up this time, considering that Ziyi also had a job to do, an exhausting one at that, working at a kindergarten, and he didn't want his boyfriend to be tired in the morning just because he needed to wrap himself up in his blankets in a very complicated manner. 

Unsure, Xukun said "yes", the answer sounding more like a question. Then, some more rustling, the matress dipping. Xukun almost panicked, he hadn't been this close to his boyfriend in months and the thought made him nervous.

With some difficulty, Ziyi got underneath Xukun's blanket constellation, hugging the other man. It felt so familiar, yet so strange and new, but that was exactly what Xukun had needed. He relaxed in Ziyi's arms, wrapping his own around the other's waist and burying his face in his chest. 

Ziyi must still be half-asleep, Xukun thought, otherwise he would probably not try to get close to him, to cuddle with him, but sleepy Ziyi knew that his lover was clingy, that he needed to be cuddled when he slept, literally could hardly fall asleep without feeling someone else's warmth, so he automatically gave Xukun what he needed, body and mind working on auto-pilot, momentarily forgetting what kind of situation they were in. 

Xukun honestly felt like crying, if from happiness or from sadness, he couldn't tell, but it didn't matter because he had to bite back his tears, afraid to wake the other man up for real, afraid of sleeping alone. He didn't want their embrace to end, wanted them to sleep like this all night because he was selfish like that.

 

Zhengting was making himself a cup of detox tea, his favourite kind, humming the melody of a song that had been stuck in his head all day. He was exhausted, it was rather late after all, he had been working all day and Xukun had come over.

His thoughts wandered to the younger man. He adored him, enjoyed spending time with him, even though the nature of their relationship was mostly sexual. Xukun's smile could light up the whole room, cute laugh making his heart beat faster even though it shouldn't, because having feelings for Xukun wouldn't lead him anywhere, he knew the man's heart belonged to someone else. 

The fact that the other man, his boyfriend, was the only one Xukun loved, even though he was cheating on him, sharing his body, his wonderful body, with Zhengting, kind of made him envious. 

Zhengting inhaled the scent of his tea deeply before sipping on it, enjoying the feeling of the hot herbal tea sliding down his throat. It relaxed him. Not that he needed any more relaxation after Xukun's visit to begin with, but this would make falling asleep even easier. 

Suddenly, there was a knock on his door. Who could that be? A glance at the clock told him it was almost one in the morning, he couldn't figure out who would pay him a visit at that time. Maybe Xukun had forgotten something and had come back for it. Right, that must be it. 

When he opened the door though, he was surprised, not in the positive way though. The shock must have been obvious on his face. That was the last person he expected to see standing there, in front of his house, at this time of the day, and they knew that too. 

"What do you want here", he asked, voice dripping with venom, so different from how he usually spoke, soft way of speaking and politeness gone due to the hatred he felt. The feelings of hate were just a self defense mechanism though, covering up the fear and hurt he felt deep inside.

Before he could get a reply though, the person in front of him smirked and in that moment he realized that someone had been approaching him from behind, sneaking up on him. He had realized it too late, a heavy object being slammed against his head as he was trying to turn around to look at who it was, already having a pretty good idea of who he would see there. 

Everything went black.

 

"Yanjun", Chengcheng called out as soon as he saw the man approaching his desk. 

"Hey, what's up? You're actually on time for once, I'm impressed", he replied, just knowing that the other man was rolling his eyes at him without even having to look. 

Chengcheng said, "Well don't get too comfortable there, we have a case. Come on, let's go to the murder scene."

Unfortunately, Yanjun wasn't even surprised. They lived in a huge city, so many people in one place, it was no wonder that they continuously had to solve cases like this. 

The car ride was mostly quiet, neither Chengcheng nor Yanjun really in the mood to speak so early in the morning. It worked though, it was a comfortable kind of silence, the kind of silence that friends could share with each other without it being awkward. 

Soon after they had been appointed as each other's partners, they had become friends which Yanjun was grateful for considering that he wouldn't know how to survive this job without someone who's fun to be around. It could get exhausting, dealing with serious and shocking crimes, so he appreciated working with Chengcheng. 

They had some basic information on the victim. His name was Zhu Zhengting, a teacher at the local dance academy. 

Once they had arrived, they greeted the forensics people and the pathologist, Zhu Xingjie, who took them to see the body. Yanjun and Chengcheng followed him into the victim's bedroom. Zhu Zhengting had been strangled with a whip, still wrapped around his neck, body positioned on the bed, laying on his stomach. The man was dressed in sleepwear, he had probably wanted to go to bed when he had been murdered. Upon further examination, Yanjun noticed a wound on the back of his head, dry blood staining hair that had been dyed a light shade of brown. 

"Did he die from being strangled?" Chengcheng asked. 

Xingjie said, "I'm pretty sure of it, obviously we'll know for sure after the autopsy. See, there are no signs that he defended himself so I think he passed out when the laceration on his head was caused and that he was strangled to death afterwards."

Yanjun and Chengcheng exchanged a telling look. Neither of them were completely sure if the culprit was especially cold-blooded for killing a defenseless person or if they were sort of a coward for doing that. Maybe they were both.

Clearing his throat, Yanjun said, "What's the estimated time of his death?"

The pathologist answered, "As of now my best guess is some time between midnight and two in the morning. I'll send you the report once I know more details."

The two policemen walked out of the house and spotted someone. "Is that the one who found him?" In response, Chengcheng shrugged. "I guess so." The man who was currently speaking to someone, a paramedic, Yanjun recognized, was sitting on the bench which was standing in Zhengting's garden, wrapped in a blanket, probably recovering from the shock of finding someone he had obviously known dead.

"Ding Zeren?" Chengcheng asked, getting a nod in return.

Yanjun wondered, "Do you think it's possible that you answer some questions now?"

Zeren looked up at him. He looked unsure, eyes shaky and big. "Yes", he replied despite obviously being shaken up. 

Both Yanjun and Chengcheng sat down next to the man, getting on the same level as him. "How did you find him?"

Gulping, Zeren said, "He didn't show up at work, which is unusual for him, he calls when he's sick and absolutely can't make it. This time, nothing. So I called him because I was worried. When he didn't pick up I thought maybe something had happened, drove here because I was just preparing some stuff for work so I had time, but I didn't expect him to be... I didn't expect to find him like that."

"So how did you get into the house?" Chengcheng asked. 

"Oh, that. The front door was unlocked."

Yanjun continued asking, "Do you know any details about his private life? Did he have problems with someone, or enemies?"

After thinking about it for a moment, Zeren replied, "I'm not sure... I can't think of any enemies, everyone I know that knows him likes him, but..."

"But?"

"Uh. I'm not sure if that's important. He was seeing someone. A guy who's already taken."

Yanjun lifted an eyebrow. "Do you happen to know his name?"

"Just his first name. Xukun. He didn't tell me much about him at all."

Chengcheng continued, "Okay. Can you tell us where you were between midnight and two o'clock?"

Zeren looked a little bit startled because of the question until he realized that this was probably just a routine question. It still felt weird though, just the possibility that someone could think he would have something to do with his murdered colleague. "I was sleeping, at home. My wife, Cheng Xiao, can confirm this, she usually works on her book at night. Something about her artistic flow..."

Chengcheng nodded. "Well, thank you for your time. If we have any more questions we'll contact you."

 

Back at the precinct, Yanjun immediately went to the coffee machine, pouring himself a cup of cold coffee, before he plopped down onto his chair, dramatic sigh leaving his lips. Chengcheng looked at him weirdly. Drama queen he thought, yet again. His colleague could become an actor. 

"What do you think about the case?" Chengcheng asked. 

After considering the question while taking several long sips of his horribly bitter coffee, Yanjun said, "I don't know. First of all, we should start with the guy he had a thing with. Maybe his significant other found out about his affair, got jealous and killed the victim."

"But then the way he was killed wouldn't make sense. Wouldn't someone who's furious want their victim to suffer? Xingjie said he was unconscious when he was killed. That doesn't exactly sound like he suffered a lot."

"Right. But how does the bullwhip he was strangled with fit into this? I think the murderer wanted to tell us something."

"Like what? Exposing his kinks?" Chengcheng asked sarcastically.

"No, dumbass, I mean the 'you fucked my boyfriend and now I'll kill you with a sex utensil' meaning." He snorted before he continued speaking, "Exposing kinks... These whips can be really dangerous if used by amateurs, I doubt anyone who doesn't do things like that professionally would go for a bullwhip. Things like riding crops are more usual."

Chengcheng blinked at him. "Do I want to know why you know this stuff?"

Rolling his eyes, Yanjun replied, "I'm sorry your common knowledge is non-existent."

After a pause Chengcheng spoke up again. "Do you... You know. Do you whip Zhangjing?"

Yanjun did not expect to be asked shit like this at work. "I do not whip my man", he deadpanned.

Chengcheng released what sounded like a relieved sigh. What for, Yanjun didn't know. Suddenly though, his colleague's eyes became big and he he made a dramatic sound of realization. "He whips you!"

Honestly, Yanjun's pay wasn't high enough for this. He simply rolled his eyes at Chengcheng, who was now struggling to breathe, and said, "Mind your own business."

 

There was this noise, obnoxiously penetrating, slowly pulling Ziyi out of his dreams. He blinked, vision kind of blurry, closing his eyes a couple more times until his vision was clear again. Ziyi heard a groan right next to his ear, Xukun buried his face in Ziyi's shirt, clinging to the taller man more tightly. 

Wait.

Xukun was clinging to him? Ziyi looked at him, taking in his disgruntled expression from being awoken so suddenly, full lips pushed out in a pout, the messy mop of thick black hair spread out on the pillow and Ziyi. The tug on Ziyi's heart was caused by a strong feeling of nostalgia, making him sad in completely new ways.

Why couldn't it always be like this? Just like the old times, times where everything was better. But they weren't in the old times, Ziyi still loved Xukun, had been with him long enough to be sure about this, but that didn't change the fact that Xukun had been hurting him continuously in the span of the past couple months. 

He had been longing to be close to him again after all this time, but now that it was reality, at least physically speaking, it was actually kind of hard to handle. It's not like he felt disgusted or anything like that, he was just majorly confused. He didn't know how to feel about this situation and he much less knew how to deal with it. 

So he carefully pushed the grumpy figure off him in order to finally turn off his annoying alarm and get up for work. He was a kindergarten teacher, he needed to mentally wake up for this. He loved his job, loved working with the kids. It gave him a lot of joy, seeing them happy and excited, playing and running around, but it was also difficult, loud and exhausting. 

Due to the loss of the body contact, Xukun finally actually woke up. He yawned and blinked the sleep away, watching Ziyi leave the bedroom to get ready for work. He thought that he should get ready too, for his boring office job, but he was tired. Exhausted, Xukun got out of bed, walking to the kitchen to make some coffee and to eat something. 

A couple minutes later, Ziyi also appeared in the kitchen. The silence and awkwardness between them was so uncomfortably present in the room. The two men looked at each other curiously. Both of them knew they finally had to talk about their problems, their wishes, their future. They knew they had to decide whether there would even be a future for them as a couple. 

Just as Ziyi opened his mouth to speak, the door bell rang. There were a couple seconds of silence and them looking at each other even more confusedly than before, but then Xukun said, "I'll go." 

What Xukun hadn't expected though, was to be greeted by two men introducing themselves as detectives, detective Lin and Fan, asking if he was Cai Xukun, and upon getting his confirmation asking if he was available for a few questions. Taken aback, he agreed to the two entering the house, sitting down in the living room to talk.

Suddenly, Xukun felt very self-conscious. He had just gotten up, still looked messy and was wearing his pyjamas. He awkwardly cleared his throat as he motioned for the two men to sit. "What can I help you with", he asked, after clearing his throat.

"First of all, we'd like to inform you that today, Zhu Zhengting was found dead. I know this must come as a shock to you, but we'd like to ask you some questions whenever you're ready."

Xukun blinked at them dumbly. Zhengting? Dead? That can't be. "This... This must be a mistake. He was completely fine just a few hours ago."

Detective Lin said, "He was murdered. It approximately happened between midnight and two in the morning." After a short break he asked, "When did you last see him or speak to him?"

This was too much. Xukun's brain couldn't process this information. He was sure he looked just as confused as he felt. As if he was on auto-pilot, he answered, "At night. I think I left around one in the morning."

"Did you notice anything unusual? Did he behave weirdly, like he was scared of something or someone?"

"Uhm. I can't think of anything... He acted completely normal."

He suddenly noticed that detective Fan had been taking notes during the conversation. Xukun didn't know why, but he was suddenly oddly focussed on the movement of the man's hand, the scratching of the pen on the paper overly loud. He completely spaced out. Zhengting. Dead. He simply couldn't wrap his mind around it. Those two words in one sentence just didn't make sense, seemed so unrealistic and wrong. 

"Mister Cai?" Snapping out of his thoughts, he focussed on detective Lin again. "Are you okay?"

Just then, Xukun realized that he had started crying. How weird, when there are tears spilling from your eyes and you don't even notice, he thought. Nodding, he replied, "Yes, excuse me for a moment." Then, Xukun got up, went to the kitchen where he and Ziyi kept a box of tissues, but he couldn't find it, his sight too blurry, felt as if he couldn't breathe. 

As Ziyi saw what state Xukun was in, he got worried. He had never seen his boyfriend like this, so he wondered what had happened. Hurriedly, he went over to him, hesitantly speaking up, "Xukun..." He didn't even want to ask if he was alright, he very obviously wasn't, and he didn't think that he was in the right condition to tell him what had happened. "What can I do?" he asked instead.

"Tissues", Xukun sobbed, "I need tissues."

Ziyi immediately grabbed the box, handing Xukun a much-needed handkerchief and watched him blow his nose after wiping his tears away. Then, Ziyi went to their living room, where he heard two people talking, to see what was going on. 

The two men got up when they saw him approaching them and introduced themselves. The detective wearing glasses stated, "I assume you're Cai Xukun's boyfriend."

"You assume correctly... I'm Wang Ziyi. What is going on here? What happened?"

The other police officer cleared his throat before he replied, "The man your boyfriend had relations with was murdered." That definitely surprised Ziyi. However, now Xukun's behaviour made perfect sense to him.

Ziyi noticed that both of them were carefully observing his reaction. Of course, he thought. They'd think he might have something to do with it. "So now you think I'm the culprit", he stated.

"Well, we do have some questions for you. Did you know about your boyfriend's affair?"

Sighing, Ziyi replied, "Yes, I knew. We never really spoke about it though. I don't even know the guy's name." 

Chengcheng furrowed his eyebrows as he wrote that down. You didn't have to know someone's name to kill them, he thought.

"Okay. When did you find out about that?"

Ziyi answered, "I noticed right when it started, I think. That was about three months ago."

"And where were you last night between twelve and two?" the detective wanted to know.

It was kind of weird, Ziyi thought, being asked questions like that. He felt uneasy even though he hadn't even done anything. "I was in bed, sleeping, which Xukun can also confirm if you ask him." For a moment, there was silence, before he added, "But I don't think now would be a good time for that. He seems... I don't think he can deal with that now."

The detectives nodded, understanding. It wouldn't make sense to question him in such a situation, they had seen it themselves. He'd need some time to calm down. Yanjun and Chengcheng thanked Ziyi for his time and told him they'd contact him and Xukun if they needed more information.

When Ziyi got to the kitchen again, his heart broke. It was kind of ironic, he thought, watching his boyfriend cry over another man. Once again he wondered what it would be like if they could just turn back time. But Ziyi knew this wasn't possible, this was his reality, Xukun's reality, and they had to deal with it.

Xukun was sitting there, at their kitchen table, intensely staring at the wall, kind of staring through it to be more accurate, apparently lost in his own thoughts. Ziyi couldn't even imagine what Xukun must feel at the moment. He didn't know how strong his feelings for the other man had been, didn't know much about his current thoughts and feelings to begin with, at least it had been like that recently. However, no matter how Xukun had felt about his affair, with this sort of news it was normal to be completely shocked and out of it.

After Ziyi had sat down next to him, Xukun still not moving, not even looking at him and probably also not registering Ziyi's presence, he carefully said, "Hey", trying to get the other man's attention. When Xukun finally looked at him, with his big sad eyes, Ziyi said, "You should call at work and tell them you won't come." 

Xukun nodded, silently agreeing with Ziyi. He didn't do anything else though, so Ziyi continued, "Should I call for you?" At that, Xukun shook his head no, before he apparently found his voice again, "No, I can do that. Just. Give me a minute."

Uneasy, Ziyi looked at him. He wished he could take Xukun's pain away, or that he could at least make things easier for him. "Should I stay with you?"

"No, it's okay, you should go to work. I think... I wanna be alone for a while", Xukun said quietly. 

"But if you need me, please call me, okay?"

Xukun simply nodded again.

 

On their way back to the precinct, Yanjun and Chengcheng were quiet. It would never get easier, telling someone that they lost a loved one, or at least someone who was incredibly important to them, due to a crime. Asking them countless questions that would make them uncomfortable, that wouldn't feel important to them in that specific moment, would never get easier either. That was uncomfortable for both parties, however, it was their job so it's not like they could choose not to do it, and the most important thing was to solve the case, to fight for justice.

Once they were sitting in front of their desks again, they started discussing Ziyi and Xukun.

"Do you think Ziyi could have something to do with that?" Chengcheng asked curiously, munching on a croissant. 

Yanjun shook his head. "I don't think so. He didn't strike me as the guy who's just found out about his boyfriend's affair and then killed the guy out of jealousy. He seemed... Collected, almost resigned when I asked him about that."

"But he still could have had something to do with it. Planned it." 

"Do you mean to tell me he hired someone?" Yanjun asked, disbelief apparent in his voice. Then, he decided that he was also hungry from watching Chengcheng eat and ended up stealing the other man's second croissant. Gleefully, he took a big bite of the pastry, completely ignoring the fake hurt and betrayal in Chengcheng's eyes.

"Maybe. I mean, I'm sure Xukun can confirm his alibi, but that doesn' mean he didn't have anything to do with it. It's just... It's always the husband or the wife. He couldn't have been that non-jealous."

All Yanjun could come up with was, "Chengcheng, that's not even a real word." After a short moment of chewing he added, "But think about the way Zhengting was murdered. No professional would do that. First knock him out, then strangle him later. I don't even think anyone would do that if they were instructed to. It's just too sloppy if you ask me. I think it was someone else who had a personal motive."

Chengcheng frowned. "Do we know anything about his family? There was nothing on his phone, right?"

Sighing, Yanjun leaned back in his chair as he finished eating the croissant. It had been filled with some sort of chocolate cream, he had noticed. Chengcheng did have a point there though. Maybe Zhengting's parents were dead or he simply didn't have any contact with them, he thought. "You can do some reasearch if you want and I'll read the forensics report."

 

Xukun was sitting on the couch, a blanket wrapped loosely around his shoulders. A glass of water was standing on the small table in front of him, half a slice of a lemon swimming around in the transparent liquid. Did it realize that a piece of it was missing, that it was just floating around aimlessly, all alone? 

That's how Xukun felt right now. Like something was missing and he was just there, frozen, like time had stopped.

The TV was on, there was some childish cartoon playing. He had thought that it would distract him, help him feel better, but he couldn't even bother concentrating on it. Thirsty, Xukun grabbed the glass and finished the lemon water in one go, chewing the piece of lemon almost angrily, like it had personally offended him, afterwards. He had to stay hydrated, some part in his brain that hadn't momentarily stopped working properly due to sadness, helpfully provided. He had been crying for a good while after all, but his tears seemed to be used up for now. Now he just felt numb and empty.

It all had started when he had been out with colleagues, celebrating the start of the weekend, started with a man that moved with a mesmerizing elegance, started with a knowing smile, a confident hand on Xukun's back, started with guilty whispers of I have a boyfriend between hot kisses and bold replies of I don't care. It had all ended with feelings of confusion, longing for more, always longing for more, had ended with the knowledge that the other man loved him and wanted him for more than just his body, had ended with Xukun pretending he didn't know. It had ended with more guilt.

When a key turned in the lock of the front door, Xukun's thoughts were suddenly interrupted. Had that much time passed already? 

Ziyi immediately came to him in order to check on him. "Do you need anything", he asked, squatting in front of Xukun in order to be on eye level with him, all serious face, calm voice and worried eyes. 

Xukun didn't think about what he was doing, he simply cupped both of Ziyi's cheeks and pulled him closer, inching forward as well, pressing his lips against Ziyi's needily. That's what he needed. He needed to feel something, needed to feel something real and concrete. He kissed Ziyi desperately, like he was drowning and Ziyi was oxygen. 

Obviously, Ziyi was very surprised by Xukun's behaviour, but he picked up on his desperation rather quickly, which is why he let the man kiss him greedily after all these months of nothing, kissing back and trying to match Xukun's enthusiasm. 

Once the kiss had ended, Ziyi and Xukun looked at each other, unbelieving, then they kissed again, and again, cuddling up on the couch where they kept sharing kisses, just focussing on holding and feeling each other and skillfully ignoring all the things they still needed to talk about once again.

 

"Okay, so here it says that there were fingerprints on the whip and on the trophy that was used to hit Zhengting. Two pairs of fingerprints, so we have two culprits. And one of them is already in our system, apparently." Yanjun said after he had finished reading the lengthy report. "Also, someone broke in through his back door."

Chengcheng nodded, saying, "And I'm guessing the one in our system would be his father, am I right?"

Yanjun confirmed his statement, so Chengcheng continued, "Last year he was arrested during a fight at a bar, but none of the people involved pressed charges, so nobody got punished. There's nothing on his mother, though."

"It would be logical for both parents to be involved, right? But what motive would they have to kill their own son?"

Shrugging, Chengcheng replied, "I don't know, but we'll find out."

 

On the day of Zhengting's funeral it was raining, which fit the mood ironically well. The sky was cloudy and grey, making the scene look perfectly cold and uneasy. Xukun didn't know anyone here, didn't know Zhengting's friends, colleagues, students or family members. 

He noticed a middle aged couple though, and suspected that they must be his parents. Xukun wondered why they were here. From what Zhengting had told Xukun he had gathered that they had never really accepted him, neither his career choices, nor his personality, including the fact that he liked men. That's why he didn't have any contact with them.

Maybe they had realized their mistakes now, Xukun thought. Obviously, it would be too late for that now, though. 

Actually, Xukun had thought he had already cried all the pain away in the past week, that his tears were used up now, but when the priest started his sentimental speech about life and death and loss, his feelings caught up to him once again. 

He could feel the loss so clearly, like a piece of his heart had been ripped out and now it was clenching painfully, making it hard to live, to breathe, to exist, his heart unable to heal because he would never get this piece back.

Xukun wiped his tears away with the sleeve of his black shirt. He would never come back. He had to accept this and try to move on, but letting go was way easier said than done.

Once it was over, Xukun felt kind of relieved to be able to go home again. He received some curious glances from various people while they were leaving the cemetary. He could imagine what most of them would be thinking. Zhengting's little affair had nerves to appear here and cry among them like he hadn't only known the other man for just a couple months. However, he didn't let the gazes bother him, he knew what he felt, knew what Zhengting had felt for him, but they had never spoken about this, probably because Zhengting had known that Xukun wouldn't reciprocate his feelings, so this was the least he could do. He owed it to Zhengting, owed it to him to pay his last respects.

Xukun was surprised to see detective Lin and Fan waiting outside of the cemetary. He nodded at them and they nodded at him, a wordless greeting. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw that they walked up to who Xukun had assumed to be Zhengting's parents, but he couldn't bring himself to think about it too much. He was mentally exhausted and his head hurt so he immediately got into his car and drove home.

 

"Where were you on the night your son was murdered, between one and two in the morning?" Yanjun asked, already knowing that he had the murderer sitting in front of him. Chengcheng was in a different room with Zhengting's mother, asking her the same questions. 

"Where I'd normally be. In bed. Look, I don't see the point of this whole questioning thing. I'm just as shocked as everyone else was when I found out Zhengting was murdered."

"Then explain to me how your fingerprints got onto the murder weapon."

"Someone... Someone must be trying to frame me. I didn't do anything. Why would I kill my own son?"

Yanjun knew he wouldn't get anywhere like this, so he got up and said, "I'm sure your wife can confirm your alibi. I'll go check with my colleague, I'll be right back."

In reality, Yanjun went to get some coffee. It was too early to be dealing with this. The warm liquid woke him up a little bit more, giving him the necessary energy. He also ate a couple cookies someone left by the coffee machine before going back again.

Zhengting's father looked nervous when Yanjun came back. He was sweating on his forehead and breathing nervously. 

"You know what's funny? Your wife just said that you weren't at home." Yanjun said with his best pokerface. Honestly, his best pokerface was so good others considered it scary. He truly deserved an oscar. Maybe he should try acting one day.

Angrily, Mister Zhu exclaimed, "What the fuck?"

Shrugging, Yanjun continued, "Yeah, she said you had a motive as well."

"It wasn't just me! It was also her, she's lying!"

Yanjun lifted an eyebrow, curious. "Really?"

Then it all spilled out of Zhengting's father. How much they'd hated their son, because he had never fit in with their strictly religious family, their beliefs, how they hated him for being a sinner, for doing all the wrong things, hated him for breaking off all contact with them even though that's kind of what they had secretly wanted. How they'd come up with this plan after drinking way too much and actually going through with it. How he'd broken in through the back door, sneaking up on Zhengting, trophy his son had won in his hand, while his mother had knocked on the front door, distracting Zhengting. How ridiculously easy it had been.

Yanjun felt absolutely revolted. He dealt with murderers a lot, but the evil glint in Zhengting's father's eyes as he spoke about ending his own son's life was almost too much to handle. It seemed as if he was proud of what he had done, like it had been the right thing to do. He spoke so confidently too, not like he regretted anything at all. 

Usually, Yanjun could distance himself from his profession pretty well, but the fact that these people had murdered their own son out of utter hatred, out of being convinced that their way of living was the only right one and that he hadn't deserved to live, made Yanjun feel sick. This world was a scary place, but that's why he was here, catching the bad guys, making sure they got the punishment they deserved so that they wouldn't be able to hurt anyone again. 

 

When Ziyi came home that afternoon, he found Xukun sitting in the kitchen, glass of red wine in his hand. For a moment he considered telling Xukun that he couldn't drink his problems away, but he knew that he couldn't treat Xukun like a kid. He also knew his boyfriend was usually rather responsible so he would just leave him be for now.

A smell hit his nose and he asked, "Did you...?"

Xukun gave him a little smile before continuing Ziyi's sentence, "Cook? I did. I was waiting for you."

To say that Ziyi was surprised was an understatement. Curiously he watched Xukun as he got up, went over to the stove and prepared two plates for the two of them. Once he had returned and put the food on the table, he noticed that Ziyi was just watching him quietly. 

"Maybe you should sit down. Except if you want to eat while standing, I guess?" Ziyi blinked at him dumbly. "Do you also want a glass of wine?" Xukun asked.

Finding his voice again, Ziyi replied, "I... Yeah, that would be nice."

Ziyi sat down. He was confused by all this, but also happy to see that his boyfriend was trying to find back into a normal daily routine again after everything that's happened, so he wouldn't complain. 

When Xukun gave him his glass, he also used the opportunity to give Ziyi a kiss on the cheek. That innocent, cute gesture honestly made Ziyi's heart jump. 

After they had finished their admittedly delicious meal, Xukun said, "I think I owe you an explanation."

After a sigh, Ziyi said, "You don't have to say anything if you're not ready. Just tell me this... Are you just with me now because he's not here anymore?" He knew this question would hurt, but not knowing the answer to that also hurt, not knowing was eating him up. He was always wondering what Xukun's feelings for him were exactly, if he still loved him, if he wanted to be with him for him and not because he didn't have someone else to be with anymore.

Shakily, Xukun exhaled. He hadn't even noticed he had been holding his breath. Looking Ziyi in the eyes, he replied, "No, that's not... No. I love you, Ziyi, I never loved him like I love you. He was a friend, which might sound really strange, but that's how it was. There was just this physical thing, no romantic feelings. I know this doesn't make it any better, but you should know you were never my plan b."

Ziyi nodded. "I always wondered about this. About your feelings. You were so distanced... Xukun, I love you so much, but you hurt me so many times."

"Sorry, Ziyi, I'm so sorry for everything. I know what I did was wrong, I should have never betrayed you and I honestly don't even know why I started. Just... I hope you can forgive me one day. You're the only one I want to be with."

"I also want to be with you. Let's just take it slow, okay?"

Xukun nodded, silently agreeing. Ziyi took his boyfriend's hand, softly holding on to it. For the first time in what felt like ages, they looked at each other with something other than sadness and guilt. There was a spark of hope in their eyes.


End file.
